On March 15, 2017, I lost my beautiful mum to bowel cancer. At the time, my daughter had just turned two, and my son was only three months old.
The final weeks of Mum’s life were a blur of difficult firsts and lasts. We celebrated my daughter’s second birthday while Mum was in palliative care, and navigated hospital visits with a baby and a restless toddler in tow. I remember the weight of trying to explain the situation in an age-appropriate way to a two year old who couldn’t understand why we were sitting in a quiet hospital room for hours on end.
My mum was patient, wise, and dependable. When she left us, it felt like a massive hole had opened up in my life. While every day held its challenges, the milestones were the hardest. She wasn’t there to see the kids start school, to celebrate birthdays and special holidays, and suddenly, Mother’s Day took on a whole new meaning.
Less than two months after she passed, that first Mother’s Day arrived. I’ll never forget the conflicting emotions: the immense gratitude for my two children and that new baby feeling, set against a desperate, aching longing for my own mother. Whether it was a simple picnic, cupcakes or a handmade card, we had always celebrated Mother’s Day with her. Now, I was facing a future without her seat at the table.
Finding Ways to Remember
That first Mother’s Day without Mum, I visited her gravesite with flowers, but I soon realised that honouring her that way wasn’t for me. The grief in the air felt heavy and stifling, and I didn’t feel her presence there.
Since then, I’ve learned to remember Mum, and help the kids remember their Grandma, in ways that feel alive and personal. Everyone grieves and remembers a parent differently – the key is choosing what feels right for you.
If you’re navigating Mother’s Day without your mum this year, here are a few things that help me:
- Hold space for both sadness and joy: Allow sadness and disappointment to sit right alongside gratitude and joy. These feelings aren’t mutually exclusive; they can exist side-by-side.
- Reflect through stories: Take time to celebrate the fun memories. For our family, this means sitting down with a photo album. Flicking through the pages usually prompts memories and stories that keep her spirit in the room.
- Celebrate other significant women in your life: While they could never fill the gap Mum left, my mother-in-law and an elderly neighbour were anchors for me in those early years. I found comfort in writing them letters or giving them small gifts on Mother’s Day to thank them for their presence.
- Start a tradition: Create a ritual that feels like her. It could be a toast with a glass of champagne, picking her favourite flowers, or bringing out a piece of ‘good china’ she left you. Using those special items brings the memories back into the present.
- Acknowledge your strength: Mothering without your own mother’s guidance is incredibly hard work. Don’t forget to celebrate your own achievements. Practice some self-care and acknowledge how much you’ve grown.
- Try not to be resentful: It’s natural to feel a sting when you see friends making plans with their mums. Remember that we are all on our own unique journey. Try to celebrate their joy while holding space for your own reality.
- Set gentle boundaries: Be honest with your family about your energy levels. If you need an hour to yourself to grieve or have a cry, say so. Taking time out isn’t failing the day, it’s honouring your heart.
The Legacy Lives On
While you’re thinking of your mum this Mother’s Day, don’t forget to celebrate yourself. You are a reflection of her love and her lessons. Part of her is carried with you every day, and through you, your children are experiencing her legacy.
If, like me, your mum is no longer earthside, I hope these thoughts remind you that you aren’t alone. Wishing you a day of peace, memory, and gentle celebration. Happy Mother’s Day!